Hey there New Friend across the sea/
If you figure things out/
Would you figure in me?
When were we happy?
And how long has that been?
un•der•time, [úndər tím] (n.) 1. The under or after part of the day; Undern-tide; undermeal; the time after dinner, or in the evening. 2. unofficial work breaks: time spent by employees during working hours on non-work-related activities, such as shopping or personal appointments; employee's hours paid-for but not worked
I need to be out of my house more interacting with human beings, outside of work. 'Cuz, I'm turning into a creature...I'm not even sure what kind of creature it is but whatever it is it's soon going to be incapable of interpersonal relations.
I saw this cute Scottish dude's profile on OkCupid and initially I wasn't even going to say anything. -Because I know I'm not his type, despite the fact that on OkC we're supposedly an 85% match 90-something percent friendship match. But then I decided f*ck it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Right!
I didn't even know what to say. I mean I literally didn't have anything to say! I couldn't believe it. Once upon a time, despite the fact that I was shy and truly preferred not to, I had the ability to talk to anyone about anything. That's like a f*cking ninja, kung-fu life-skill right there and I had it. Just naturally had it, ever since I was a kid. According to my 'rents, it was a little unsettling when I was younger, I could talk with adults, other kids, anyone. I won't go so far as to say I was charismatic (that's OD'ing a bit) but you drop me some place and as painful as I might find it in the process, at the end of the day I could manage to make a genuine connection with someone. And now it's gone...Kaiser Soze'd off - poof. Gone. I'm so inept now, that given an unlimited amount of time with no pressure (as say for example, with this man who was not standing right there in front of me, looking at me and waiting for my responses) I could not come up with anything interesting to say. I let my one ninja skill atrophy and die. That's just pathetic.
Okay. That being said however, I didn't allow that to be an excuse not to put myself out there. I sucked up my suck-age and sent him a message anyway (I had to try- did I mention he was cute AND a Scot?) but still, what I wrote was super sh*tty - just unoriginal, uninteresting, definitely generic dreck. So of course, he didn't respond. Not that I thought he would anyway, but it's one thing to think he didn't respond because he's uninterested in fat girls (which I know is invariably true, without knowing the guy from Adam) but it's another to know that I also blew it by being fat AND uninteresting. Ugh. So sad, too bad.
And again I'm having an insane sense of deja vu. Like I wrote this same thing last year at this same time...I'm going to have to check the blog to see. That would be both crazy and sad if that's the case. And it's not just a sense of deja vu about having this conversation about writing a guy I knew wouldn't be interested, it's also deja vu about the deja vu. Good God it's a glitch in the Matrix!
I went to a Summer Stage concert! I never go to concerts (I'm not particularly fond of live music...or rather I'm fond of live music, but just byartists I've never heard before. Not artists I'm already familiar with -- yes, I'm aware that's weird). But it was practically in my backyard. It was a double bill: Vivian Green and Bilal. Vivian Green was okay. I don't know why but I always conflate her in my mind with Heather Headley so even though I know her song is "Emotional Rollercoaster", some part of me was waiting for her to start singing "I Wish I Wasn't In Love With You". Dumb, I know. So in the middle of her set she shouts-out her guitarist (which was all the back up she had besides her singers) and she's like "You guys might recognize him because he's Chrisette Michele's guitarist too." Then all of a sudden she shouts out Chrisette Michele in the front row. Funny thing is I had noticed Chrisette coming in.
Now normally, I couldn't pick out a Chrisette Michele in a line up, if she mugged me (still can't). But when she walked in, she had this air about herself, like an air of celebrity. I have to admit, my older brother in LA (an actor) is getting that "aura" too. I don't know what that's about. I guess it's a polish or something, like a sheen or a glow or something? Maybe it really is in the water, I don't know but even on the street with models and stuff you can sense it- do you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, she walks in the VIP entrance (which should have been a clue but really wasn't since the parks department people and assorted others were coming in and out that way too). And she was wearing one of those over-sized wife-beater type tees and some jeans or something. Her hair is still blond but it's done up in these big Beyoncé braids. And she was all made up, but again so were a lot of chicks. Whatever the reason though, I really did notice her walk in and wonder, like, was she one of those BK crunchies or famous or what? She had that crunchy Brooklyn dirty-backpack "I love black people"-type vibes (I don't know how else to explain it but I think you know what I'm saying). :-P
Whatever, so after Vivian is finished, Bilal is not ready (or really not him but the sound tech people weren't ready yet) so Chrisette gets on stage and sings some song I'm totally unfamiliar with (called "Forever" or something like that, she said it was on heavy rotation on BLS). She sang it almost a cappella - all she had was her/Vivian's guitarist accompanying her. It sounded okay. Once she was done, Radio DJ Shayla (who was hosting) brought out some volunteers from the audience to sing briefly. They were all pretty good - not surprising right? Lots of talented black people everywhere just languishing. Then Bilal got on stage to sing his particular brand of strange sh*t (Don't get me wrong, I like Bilal but let's be real. He doesn't sing danceable stuff. He sings strange stuff).
Anyway, the chicks around me, particularly this woman who asked if she could sit next to me (big mistake) all lose their GD minds, like he's Michael Jackson or Jay-Z or some sh*t! They're jumping all over the place and singing along and this b*tch next to me is swinging her arms all wide, throwing 'bows and almost clocks me in the eye with her elbow more than once. Now in all honesty, there was a lot of room in my row because the woman to my right had moved away --the dumb chicks right in front of her in the row ahead of us were doing the same thing. But to move in that direction (right) was to move further away from the stage. And I basically was like, why should I have to move? But I was as hot as a f*ckin' .45, man. I could have drop-kicked that b*tch into the middle of next week! I should have said someone was sitting there (and the irony was someone had been and she asked me to hold the seat for her when she got up but then I saw her get a seat closer to the stage so I was like "oh well forget it").
I was so pissed off by the end of the concert that I literally could have tackled her a$$. I just was fighting the urge all night to be like "Why the f*ck don't you sit your monkey-a$$ down for a minute so other people can enjoy the f*cking concert too?!?!" Look if she wanted to dance, she could have done what the vast majority of the rest of the "dancers" did and leave the stands and go stand in front of the stage. I felt sorry for the people seated in the very front rows, 'cuz they couldn't see shit but, you know hey. That's the risk you take up there. I swear some people really live on their own planet, the lack of consideration they exhibit is truly stunning. Anyhoo, afterward I went to the supermarket to buy my dinner and lunch today then I headed home.
When I got home, I was like a vegetable. I laid on my bed and watched Franklin and Bash. Can I just say, I'm officially done with that show! So now Reed Diamond is having a thing with Heather Locklear and Breckin Meyer is trying to get with the annoying DA? I was like, they kicked Garcelle Beauvais off the show for this tripe? And the other black girl was conveniently off "in Chicago"? Yeah, okay. You know, and it wasn't until Mark-Paul Gosselaar said that that I realized, on F&B all the "women" were represented by Black women. And then suddenly it all became clear -why they kicked her off. I remembered in my Women's Studies class in college they had this quote that always hit me hard:
All Blacks are men and all women are white.Suddenly that quote made me realized, they probably looked at this show with its cast full of men and Black women and said to themselves "WTF! There are no (people identifiable as) women on that show!" So they "added" some.
That's so depressing but I'm fairly sure I'm not wrong. Funny thing is, if they'd never hired Garcelle and the other girl in the first place, I'd never have even thought about it. It's like Suits. I know I'd have loved Suits whether or not two out of the three women on the show were Black (yes, I'm including Rachel because the only parent they've ever shown is the Black one). But now if they f*cked with that dynamic, I'd be pissed. So it's really subjective. Most of the shows I (and most other Black people I'd guess) have loved had no Black (or brown for that matter) people in the cast at all. We just ignore it. But don't give me Black people then take them away, man! Don't mess with my emotions in that way! I hate them- Franklin AND Bash! Grrr...
Last night I got home early and watched some Josh TV (he really has to go soon). I didn't watch last week's Suits until last night and then I watched this weeks right after. I love that show. I don't like how they're trying to make Katrina nice now, I like that Harvey doesn't like her. That has greater ramifications than when it was just Mike who didn't. It's unfortunate that she's with Louis, but he's destined to be forever misunderstood. Hmm, I love my Louis- (never thought I'd say that but he's like Morris from ER, by the end of that show I'd have married Morris and I couldn't stand his behind originally, ahh, good character development. You know I love it!)
But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Ahh,True Blood . What do you think is going on with Eric? I know they said Alexander Sarsgaard might leave but do you think he did? I knew they couldn't kill Eric off, the fans would revolt so I wasn't sure how they'd do it. The way they did it (if that's what they were doing, which is still in doubt for me) was interesting- and honestly kind of well done. I was surprised though, for a second I thought they were gonna kill off Bill- and I thought that was brave. I mean Stephen Moyer is one of the stars, but I was like "well maybe he wants to stay home and take care of the babies, 'cuz Anna Paquin ain't goin' nowhere."
Every summer, my Dad accused True Blood of going off the rails (and every summer I suspect, but never say, he's right) but it always kind of, in its True Blood way, pulls it back together in time for the finale. I wonder if that will be the case now. Also, are they all going to be able to walk in the sun indefinitely? That would be interesting but weird. And what is this business with Sookie and Warlow. I know she is not going to become his Vampire Bride so I wonder how that's going to resolve itself. I think I know from the books (though I for some reason refuse to read them) that Sookie doesn't end up with Bill or Eric but someone else (not Sam either...oooh we gotta talk about that too). Could it be Warlow? But that's not his name in the book I know that. And she still doesn't know he banished her Grandfather to the nether regions or wherever. She's gonna be Sookie-pissed about that.
Sookie's been better this season but they said that's because Anna Paquin is more mature. They were like they couldn't keep writing Sookie all idiotic and naive like that anymore. One, because of all the stuff she's been through now but also because Anna's a wife and mother now so basically it wasn't a good look. I thought that was interesting. When I read that originally I said to myself, "yeah right, she's still going to be from Bon Temps ain't she? So how mature could they make her?" But they've actually done a decent job. I mean she's still a pretty self-involved cow but it was a little bit better this year.
The rest of it has been chaos though, Terry dead, the craziness with Andy's daughters (who buried them by the way? Are they even dead? Do we know this for certain?) Alcide and that bizarre pack business that didn't make any sense (half of Bon Temp knows werewolves exist, don't they? What difference did one Black girl and her mama make? I could see if they were worried about straight up murder charges but to be outed by just the one chick? seriously?) And then Sam and this girl? I'm sorry but according to the True Blood timeline didn't the bitch Luna (whose child you were gonna raise on your own 'cuz you think she asked you to) just die like two days ago? And now you're in love with a new chick, I'm sorry what? Plus, do you mean to tell me that werewolves and shifters can smell conception? Is that what I'm being led to believe now!?! 'Cuz she can't be more than like a week pregnant, plus Alcide and his dad clearly smelled something in the bed when they were tracking them. WHAT THE F@#$%!?!
Okay. I'm done. I just had to get that out. P.S. I want Hoyt back. I was so happy to see Mrs. Fortenberry. (And I hate her).
I'm so horny! Ugh.
Of course, that means Aunt Flo must be on her way for a visit when I'm feeling like that right? I am positively all over the map this week emotionally. I've nearly cried publicly (for no reason whatsoever) like three times in the last five days. I'm sore all over, tired and as I said, horny as hell. It's ridiculous! I mean, I don't even use the equipment, so why can't I just trade it in or shut it down or at least set it to hibernate or something, seriously! I've been feeling like an exposed nerve ending all week. If I didn't have to work I would have just laid in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and waited this week out. Bear in mind, the damn bitch hasn't even shown up yet! This is all just the preamble to herald her imminent arrival...that asshole!
Whatever man, anyhoo, work's okay. I'm officially outside of the circle of Black women in the office. I don't know if it's them or me (the truth is it's probably me, but I've decided it's them). Since we're not contemporaries educationally or even in the office there's no reason to talk to any of them. And they give me few other ways of breaking into their little klatch otherwise (same for the Latina group). The one that's on my floor, is congenial enough but that's about it. Her office is near my cube, so I thought to make like a friendly neighbor and say hello as I pass everyday, which has worked -in a limited capacity. It actually proved successful in making me more friendly with the lawyer in the office next to hers (we've gone out to lunch together). So that's one of the other ways in which I know I'm not unapproachable or otherwise doing something wrong. I've managed to get on good terms with almost everyone else who's near my cube. And while I'd be misstating things to suggest she and I are not on "good terms", there's just something missing in my encounters with her. Like something held in reserve when we speak, it's weird and awkward. And it's rarely like that with me and other Black people (unless of course they just take a disliking to me or I to them). Oh well, I promise to get over it.
I think it's just the freakin' period thing that's making it sting particularly acutely this week. Jesus, I don't know what's wrong with me. Every day this week I've just have wanted to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and have a good cry. I interrupted the all-staff meeting this morning with this crazed coughing jag that erupted right at the end when I randomly inhaled my own saliva. It was so weird and so fucking embarrassing! People had to go get me water and give me tissues 'cuz all my facial orifices were leaking. If a hole could have opened up and just swallowed me, it would have been a gift. Thinking about it makes me want to cry right now (ugh, pathetic). I'm a loser.
Anyway, this guy that I've been kind of talking to on and off- very sparingly on OkCupid asked for my number (I gave him the Star Star number...at last I have used it!) So now I guess I'm waiting to hear from him. Thing is, I'm not even interested. He says he's 27, he looks between 35 and 37. He's not my type at all but you know, I'm not doing anything else, so I might as well right? He might be a nice guy. There was another one - a 43 year old bald white guy (incidentally, the 27 year old is also white or white-esque), he had wanted my number but I told him I'm awful on the phone - which is the truth- and he was really sweet about it. He said we could just talk for a while on OkC (this after he'd just finished saying he didn't want to do a big drawn out talking-on-OkC-thing). He seemed really decent- but again I'm not really all that interested. We emailed each other back and forth one night, but I got distracted baking cookies for my office picnic. And while I apologized the next day for leaving him hanging, I haven't really spoken to him since. Despite the fact that I think his personality might be lovely, he's really not doing anything for me physically. I'm gonna be one lonely bitch right? Yeah I know. I need to contact him again. At least for the practice, he might prove to be a great date. I just really don't want to. Ugh. I'm the worst. I'm gonna go into the bathroom and cry now.
I'm venting (so what else is new): I was on the subway today when this guy comes and sits next to me. He's got this full cup of iced coffee and he puts it on the floor between his foot and mine. Okay, let me back up a minute to set the scene a little: I got on the train and I let this chick that was on the end door beat me to a seat that was right next to the middle door, which is where I came in. I said "let" because I was closer but I'd allowed the passenger that was getting off the train get off without bogarding my way in to snatch the seat. That said, I was still closer to it, but I saw her coming for it and I didn't want to be seen running to beat this chick to a seat. I don't know why but I just think that running for a seat on the subway is kinda tacky.
So I'm standing there when I notice that there's a seat much closer to where she was standing that's open. I approach with caution because as you well know, normally an empty seat is a tell tale sign of some nastiness. So when I get to it I observe that while the seat is fine, there's multiple drops of wetness on the floor directly in front of it. Wetness that would be on my legs and lap should it be, for instance condensation from the A/C above us. But I look and though the drops look like water or something, there's no dripping happening from above. Which means though the seat is up for grabs, I don't want to step in whatever the fuck that is on the floor. So I sit down and spread my calves while keeping my knees together ('cuz I was wearing a short dress). Can you visualize what I'm saying? I'm sitting as daintily as I can manage while keeping my feet apart and back under the seat (and away from the drops).
So when the teenager on my left gets off, this motherf#$%^& comes in, sits down and puts his damn drink right by my foot (which is precariously placed already and if it should slip is gonna knock his drink across the fu$%^& floor). At first, I said nothing because he was fiddling with shit in his backpack, so I assumed, he'd get himself situated and pick the drink back up. Nope. So I wait and now my leg is on the verge of trembling from the strain of not coming forward for just a second so I can re-position a little. (I think honestly this was more the power of suggestion than anything, because I was fine before but now I was obsessed with the idea that I was going to knock this drink down). So finally I just say "Sir, can you put your drink between your own legs because I might kick it over where it is."
He looks at me like I'm speaking another language but he gets the drink. that's probably where I should have left well enough alone. But I'm like "I'm sorry I'm just afraid I'll knock it down." He proceeds to put it right back where it was as if he's unsure of what I just asked him to do. I'm like "Not there, put it between your own legs not next to mine." He's like "I get it" all annoyed. I say, "I'm not trying to be a jerk here, I'm just saying." He's like "I get it" all stern and shoots STFU-daggers at me. But picks it back up and just holds it. I don't know what was so difficult about my request. I didn't say don't put it on the floor. Why did it have to be there? Why rely on a stranger to not accidentally knock the shit over when you could put it between your own legs and only have to worry about someone possibly standing in front of you (which no one was at the time)?
Anyway, when the lady on my right gets up, I slide my ass over to her seat on the end. When he sees me doing this he's like "I'm sorry". But it's not like an apology, it's like when you say "I already apologized bitch, what the fuck else do you want?" So as a dude is sitting down between us, I just say "It's fine, you can put your drink back down now."
I mean now that I'm recounting it to you in detail it's not that big of a deal but at the time I was pissed! I mean WTF man! I wasn't asking him to give me his first born or even his cup of iced coffee! I just was asking him to take responsibility for his shit and keep it between his own legs. I can tell you from the way he reacted when I spoke to him, that he'd have been heated and ready to fight if I'd knocked his cup over. He'd have been like "Bitch watch your feet!" And probably wanting me to give him the money for it. Yeah, right. Damn, people are so inconsiderate.
BTW, that stuff on the ground hadn't evaporated by the time I got off at 34th street- so it definitely was not water (ew!)
I have no idea what I dreamed about last night but I woke up with this feeling of ebullience. I admit, right as I was about to head to bed, I turned to HBO and Ted was just starting. I stayed up and watched the whole thing! It was Family Guy bad (because, you know, Seth McFarlane directed it) but it was also damn hilarious! It's funny, I thought Mark Wahlberg was trying to be a real actor now- in like, serious movies and action movies, you know? But he was a real goof in this movie.
I already thought he seemed like cool (Boston) peoples (which is different from being just plain old "cool peoples"- 'cuz white Bostonians always seem to me to be kind of benignly racist even in their very best iteration- so you are always required to qualify it a bit). But he seemed to not be taking himself so seriously in this movie, which was cool to see. Especially when you know that he doesn't want people calling him Marky Mark and stuff. It was fun to see.
All that said to say, I'm in a strangely positive mood today. Let's see how long that lasts.
So I got this from Thought Catalog, which is one of my new favorite sites. I keep saying that one day I'll try submitting something. That day has yet to come. Anyway, though I only included number one but I think you'll appreciate numbers four and five, like I did. Check it out:
"5 Universal “Truths” About Dating I Don’t Understand
1. Never want it more than him or at least, never share that information.
The last guy I was dating seriously was so busy all the time that the majority of our relationship was typed out in that little text box on my phone.
Hey I’m out at X bar with some people if you want to join after work.
Hey I’m going out to dinner with some friends, can you join?
Hey I think I’m having a relationship with your phone
If I like someone, I don’t understand why I have to hide it just so I seem more desirable. To me someone who is acting aloof and busy is undesirable. I have my own life, but ostensibly I am looking for a partner who would like to share that life, which would mean expressing interest in hanging out once in a while or just texting back, even if it’s to say you’re over it.
I think it happened when I was breaking up with the inconsiderate academic who wouldn’t settle down and the not-so-great guy I was “seeing” occasionally. I can’t exactly pinpoint where in the middle of those years I missed it all, the dining a deux, the pairing off, the engaging, the walking-down-the-aisling, the childbearing, the mortgaging and the like. I’m not sure exactly, but I can remember crawling out from the crumpled sheets of that emotionally stunted, yet gratifying time and thinking: what the fuck.
I mean I was and am still learning to date. Still learning how to turn on charm, negotiate between witty banter and meaningful conversation, fighting not to get too drunk on nerves and bourbon as the potential of a night is discovered or uncovered. As it unfurls like a newspaper, all promise and smudgy fingered...."
Read the rest: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/5-universal-truths-about-dating-i-dont-understand/
I mean, seriously? How awesome was that?
Can I just say that this has been the looooooongest week in creation? I mean it's awful -and it's still going on! I have another whole eight fuckin' hours here man! I cannot wait to bounce. I'm worried that it will be sort of awkward. Even when I left the job I got fired from years ago, it wasn't weird and I came back multiple times to collect all my shit (I probably didn't even get it all honestly). I want to know why I feel like I've been fired when I quit? In a wrap-up convo we had in the staff meeting yesterday I talked about what the tech guy (who's dropping by the office during a personal visit from LA -his family is from BK) could do when he got here. I suggested that though they remotely wipe everything normally, since he'll be here perhaps he can just do it and make sure it's done right, knah mean? Since he'll be right in the office. "Oh" says Boss Lady "there going to do that remotely at 6pm on Friday." And I'm not sure she was saying it specifically to be an asshole, per se but it was just so asshole-ish. I'm not saying she shouldn't have said it (I did quit after all, I know I'll need to be replaced- and quickly) I'm just saying people- HUMAN PEOPLE- have feelings and perhaps there was a better way to put it. Such as, for example, "Oh they'll probably do that before he comes next Friday." or "IT tends to like to handle that immediately, so he won't need to worry about that" or "Yes, that's a possibility." (That one's sort of a lie but what does it matter?)
Then later in a conference call I had to take with her and the business office personnel, the manager of that office, who is a complete bitch makes a point- IN THE PHONE CALL (when she could have just said it to Boss Lady in the private call they were taking after the conference call) of reminding Boss Lady to change all the security stuff for the office. WTF! First of all, once I bounce on out of this shit-hole I don't ever want to come back. That's number-fucking-one. And two, I am not a thief, nor am I a criminal and they don't have shit I'd want to steal. And up until that moment, right there I had no desire to unleash the secret computer virus that I've been constructing with my absolute total lack of computer knowledge or skill, on their stupid internal network. Like what the hell?!? Plus if I was going to do some crazy ass shit I would have already done it on one of the countless nights I've been toiling here (for FREE) by myself unsupervised. And then people wonder how and why folks show back up in the office with the semi-automatic. They like to act that that shit occurs in a vacuum- and that most mofos weren't provoked and shit. The only difference between normal people like me that just walk the fuck away and nigg*s with the AK is, apparently, that I have a higher threshold for absolute bullshit perpetrated by bitch-asses.
OK, woo-sah. woo-fuckin'-sah.
An-ti-hoo, missed the entire line up last night cuz I was at work late at an event for these punk-asses. But I tried to be clever, I told my DVR (I call him Josh) not to record Greys (so that presumably he'd record Person of Interest like he's supposed to) and I told him not to record Scandal so he'd record Suits (since he only likes to record one show at a time now- despite the fact that I'm at 44% - I erased some of my Obama election/inauguration coverage, Josh erased some more). Don't you know his little plastic behind didn't record Person of Interest OR Greys, Scandal OR Suits?!?! I might as well have not done anything at all or not have had any of that shit on my series queue-since clearly he records what he likes and he don't what he don't. SIGH. So I hope you're still watching Person of Interest because you and the internet recaps are all I will have to go on. Damn.
Anyway, I'm itchin' to get up out of this bitch. I'm fighting the urge to just bounce right now. I cleaned my desk out and have all my stuff together. There is nothing to hold be back except the fact that they've already paid me for working the whole day, so I need to work the whole day.
Man, I had no idea I was so high-strung! I've had people tell me that more than once but it was always a kind of "yeah, yeah, yeah"- thing where I thought they were teasing me or messing with me or something. I thought myself a much more mellow type of person. But today, I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I could literally jump ten feet straight up (like Tom from Tom and Jerry). I am filled with so much nervous energy- you'd think I was being executed tonight. I thought I was nervous when I told my former boss I quit- at least with that though, I did it first thing in the morning and didn't have it hanging over my head all day. This time, I deliberately decided to do it in the evening right before we leave because I wanted as little uncomfortable time in the office as possible before I could bounce (and before she would have a nice long weekend to think about it and come back professional, not pissed off). Little did I know that that would leave me spending the whole day as if I were about to walk the freekin' plank! I'm at Threat Level-Orange for no reason. I thought I was miserable all these days preceding but they have nothing on how miserable I am feeling right now. Although miserable is really not the word, it's anxious and fearful.
I'm venting again sorry, but I have no where to let off all this nervous freekin' energy. Only me turns every little molehill into Everest. It's too bad because in two seconds I'm not going to have any health insurance but I'm thinking perhaps I need something a little more than my therapist. I have industrial strength issues maybe I need an actual psychiatrist- like the medical doctor- with the good-good pharmaceuticals? Days like today I feel literally two seconds from the looney-bin. I can't believe I do this to myself. It's all me, this part isn't Boss Lady or her "doing" anything to me (in fact she's been sitting quietly in her office all day). By rights, I should be able to stop whenever I want and just calm the ef down but I just can't. Boss Lady doesn't know it (or maybe she does) but she's about to dodge a bullet with my cray-cray ass. Being rid of me is a blessing. I need a sedative.
Argh! I feel like my head is going to pop off my shoulders from the anxiety. I've got this radiating pain pulsing right behind my left ear- I have got to calm down.
Anyhoo, on to a topic that gives me a similar but better sense of agita - Scandal! Well first thing first, my DVR (named Josh) was acting up so I had to manually record that and he wouldn't let me record Suits until 1 in the morning. I stayed late at work yesterday finishing up some work. So when I got home I watched Person of Interest, though it wasn't a new episode. 'Cuz it was new to me- as it was one of the billion or so episodes Josh has refused to record. It was from last season when Root kidnapped Finch and Reese and Carter were looking for him. I missed most of that. Then at ten, I watched Grey's, then at eleven I watched Scandal. It was a pretty good episode but again I'm wondering why the hell Shonda is going out of her way to emasculate Tony Goldwyn. It's weird. I have no problem with a man crying, don't get me wrong, and Tony cries with the best of them. But the whole thing with his Dad...it's irritating. And I don't see the point.
So I also watch Nashville. That's my newest joint. I got into it about three or four episodes in but I love it now. What is wrong with Juliette? She's all kinds of messed up but I thought she was smart to marry the football player (despite what his mom said). It seemed pretty clear to me that she was gonna be the one running sh!t in their relationship- she should have kept him around. Question, was he the dude that impregnated Val on the first episode of Single Ladies? He looks mad familiar but I can't place him. Anyhoo, I'm just waiting patiently until Deacon and whatever Connie Britton's character is named get together. Now that he's been tossed off the tour and she can't find someone to be her guitarist, I see a reconciliation coming.
So I know how melodramatic this sounds, I know I sound like a crazy person (but shhh...I am a crazy person) this job is starting to make me physically ill. I want to burst into tears everyday on the way to work and in the office when I'm sitting at my desk. When my boss talks to me I cringe. Today no one's even in. They're at an all-day meeting across town and I'm still miserable. My stomach aches, I can barely eat (which is a lot for me). I thought at first the loss of appetite had to do with being ill (and think some of it did) but it's more than that. I'm in the office and I just want to barf. I'm good at making myself miserable but I don't think I've been this unhappy for this sustained a period. I'm past trying to compare this to my other jobs, I was never this miserable before- even when my old co-worker was being a complete bitch and I wanted to kick her in the teeth. I don't know if it's because I've changed into this weaker wimpier person or because I'm genuinely in a worse position.
Yesterday, my colleague defended me as Boss Lady was about to accuse me - yet again of double booking her (my colleague let's call her Beth). So Beth was like "It wasn't her (meaning my) fault, I got a call late yesterday and this appointment is new." Boss Lady was like "I'm not saying it was anybody's fault." All defensively like she wasn't just about have me look at the calendar and explain why I booked the colleague on an appointment when she had another one. It was so surprising that Boss Lady tried to play it off. Because she'd already begun to do it- which was why Beth spoke up, in the first place. Beth wasn't even in the room with us. She was in her office and I was standing in Boss Lady's doorway. If she wasn't about to belittle me why would Beth spoken up? People are such liars. You should have seen how Boss Lady looked at me during our staff meeting and rolled her eyes when I said something she didn't like. I know, I know I'm too sensitive. She's not beating me or yelling at me but I've never worked somewhere where my boss so openly disliked me. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I will sit in my house in the dark without a phone or television or utilities if that's the only way I can get out of here. Seriously. I hate it here. I'm still contemplating a throwing myself down the stairs.
I know I must sound like an absolute self-centered idiot to you, but I'm just so so unhappy. My aunt and my therapist both say that I should stay until March/April like I said originally (in fact my therapist doesn't want me to leave at all- she thinks this is character-building. Truth is my aunt does too. I can see why they would think so but I'm 35- if a thick-skin ain't in my character yet, it probably never will be). Right now, I'm barely making it through January. Every morning, I wonder why I can't be like one of those people who just doesn't ever come back. Who leaves one day like usual and then just drops off the face of the planet. I remember in grade school I had two teachers who did that. They just disappeared. I think they may have called in sick the first week and then they just Kaiser Soze'd it and Poof, vanished. It's so unprofessional, I know. I couldn't do it- although truth told it's not about the unprofessional nature of it- I don't care about that. I care what they'd say about me if i did that. Plus what if Boss Lady tried (and succeeded) in bad mouthing me- I don't know how extensive her networks are. That's the root of everything. Why this job makes me so miserable and why I haven't just bounced. I'm scared. Scared to stay and scared to go. Just scared. As I've said I care too much what people think (although clearly I don't care if I sound to you like a lunatic whiny bitch) ;-)
Anyhoo, Suits tomorrow night!! I watched the whole of last season when they had a marathon last Wednesday (I was home sick). So excited.
So the latest episode of Deception? What are you thinking? (I'm sticking with it but it's a little bootleg). How about Person of Interest and Elementary- both were really good last week. (No new episodes for two weeks though I think- not until February- do they even do sweeps anymore? It's all so confusing now). I have the first episode of Being Human on my DVR (named Josh), I think I'll watch it tonight. Did you see it? Was it any good. I was complaining to my girl friend the other day that I really like Being Human but it irritates me how siloed their stories are. Like they don't tell each other anything until the sh!t literally hits the fan. Josh doesn't know that Aiden was buried, Aiden doesn't know that Sally shredded herself. It's so annoying. But I'm still gonna watch it. I admit this will be an extremely inopportune time to lose my cable. Just as TV is hitting it's stride for the season. Game of Thrones starts on HBO in March- I'm sad about this too. If I quit my job then I'll absolutely have to find something to do for money until I can get a job.
Oh well. Maybe I'll stick with this a while longer. The things I do for TV.