EW.com: Today's Latest Headlines


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Return of Boss Lady

My boss is back after two weeks of being away- which means I'm back in dress pants, skirts and blouses. (When the cat's away the mice can wear jeans and stuff). Also it means my anxiety level is on the rise. She talks in this really soft almost monotone voice that should be really soothing, but reminds me of a serial killer. I don't know why she frightens me. I mean she's the kind of person that when you say something that displeases her she doesn't raise her voice or frown (really, maybe a little) she just remains quiet and lets you squirm until you hang yourself with your own words. It's not completely different from my old boss- you'd only get a rise out of her if she was pissed, but at least I'd learned to read her face and when she was annoyed I'd just ask her if she was upset (usually she denied it and in doing so, defused herself).

Boss Lady is an unknown quantity and she makes me nervous as shit. Anyway, she back in the office and I'm trying to be on my p's and q's. We'll see how that goes. I keep thinking worse case scenario I'm forced to quit. There's a chance I could go back to my old job (I wouldn't want to though) or I just live on dog food for a while until something else comes along. It's not the end of the world. I'll try my best and that's all I can do. I'm gonna attempt to not worry about it too much. (That's big for me- my therapist should be proud.)

Monday, October 22, 2012

My Little Brother's Birthday

So my brother's birthday was this past weekend. I went and hung at my mom's so we could do stuff together. His girlfriend/fiancee came down too. I have been attempting not to dislike her for a few years now but her level of familiarity irritates me. She calls my mom "Mom", has her whole family up in my Mom's house for long periods of time, eating her out of house and home and not replenishing her food stock, she left her dog at my mom's house for months (even though my mom's complex has a no pets rule). But I've been trying hard not to blame her for all this and place the blame where it actually belongs- with my brother for allowing all this and my mom for being a doormat enabler. None of this shit would be happening if I was still living up in that piece and I think both my mom and my brother know that. Even back in the day, I was really the law in my house and once I got older it stopped being an unspoken joke and became the truth. Once I moved out for college it was like two children were living in the house together, eating nothing but junk and staying up all night and having their friends over at all hours. My mom's house is like the fun house with no rules (okay she's not quite that bad).

ANY-WAY, I think the last straw for me with my brother's girl was this Friday when she got to my mom's house and she was wearing MY hoodie. (Granted I haven't seen that hoodie in years and it's like an XXL so it's much too big) But it's MINE and it's new since I never wore it and it's kind of a souvenir. (I know I'm petty- I'm owning it) It's stupid and would take a while to explain but the hoodie is from the Black Dog on Martha's Vineyard (and people who get Black Dog gear know) you wear it forever and keep it forever and the older your Black dog stuff is the better. Which is to say that since I got that in the nineties, it's pretty valuable (not monetarily of course) but in cache. My mom and brother don't know that of course but since the hoodie doesn't belong to either of them I didn't think I'd need to explain it. But now his girlfriend has it and I'll look crazy petty if I ask my brother to get it back. Especially in light of further developments.

Such as the fact that the girlfriend, Lisa*, apparently insisted that they (she and my brother) go skating (ice or roller, I don't know). My mom wasn't in favor of the idea, and my brother wasn't enthused but he went along because Lisa was excited. My mom and I went to Woodbury Commons instead of out with them. So on our way back we get a call from Lisa saying "Don't worry, but your brother's been hurt". My mom is freaked. "It's not a big deal but we're waiting on an ambulance to come to the rink". BTW, my brother has no health insurance- so an ambulance you say? "His arm has been dislocated in a fall, but he's fine." she says. "The rink just insists that he go to the hospital." For a fall? People fall at a rink all day, that's a lot of ambulances, wouldn't you say? Come to find out, he's broken his arm. Great!

Now, remember there's a no-health insurance thing? So who's paying for all this? Not my brother and certainly the girlfriend. So, my mom is understandably pissed. Okay so full-disclosure, my little brother is actually 27 years old, 6'2 and over 300 pounds. He's not a small child or a gullible teen. But one way or another, at his size he has a far way to fall and lot of weight to bring down when he does it. I mean I agree that it had to be just plain old nasty to not only necessitate an ambulance but also break a bone. But in all honesty, any fall for a guy his size is going to be pretty bad, I suspect. It's kind of like an old person, when they fall it's potentially life threatening because of the extenuating circumstances- age, level of infirmity, etc. Same thing here. The first thing I thought when I heard what happened was "He's not a kid anymore. Falls are not the same as when you fell and bounced back as a kid." I've learned that shit the hard way.

Well, I heard he had a follow-up visit to the hospital yesterday ($$) though I don't know what they said. I suspect he must be fairly okay because my mom didn't call me and freak out. Oh by the way, he broke his humerus (upper arm) not the lower part below the elbow that you always think of when someone says "broken arm". He broke the area where his bicep is (think again of how nasty that must have been that the fleshy upper arm wasn't fleshy enough to absorb the impact...yowch!) They can't even give him a cast. So they put him in a splint. I've been imagining that they wrapped his arm around his chest sling-style to act as a makeshift splint. But I really don't know the logistics. Hopefully he'll take good care of himself, so it heals properly. I wonder if he can go to work even?

I know some of my mom's pissed-offedness is more related to her thinking of my brother still as her baby, who this big bad girl gave a boo-boo to. Whatever. But for me, Lisa was already on my shitlist. So I don't really care why she's now on my mom's. Call it jealousy or whatever, it matters not to me.

*Her name's not actually Lisa, naturally.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

My Standard English Shopping List

As it is October and I am not taking my annual trip across the pond, I'm just going to list my typical go-to shopping list when I'm in the UK. (God I'm already jones-ing for my Yorkshire Gold tea):

1) Two or three bottles of Boots-brand Witch Hazel and Tea Tree Foaming Face wash

2) One pack (four or six bars) of Imperial Leather soap

3) One or two small tins of Vaseline lip balm (In whichever flavor they have: regular, rose, aloe vera, cocoa butter- the little tins are different colors based on the flavor- they're so cool)

4) Pack of Cadbury dairy milk chocolate bars (they taste better than American Cadbury - I've been told it's because the English kind contains more milkfat)

5) A sack of Wotsits (A google search can tell you what those are)

6) a 2-litre bottle of Lilt (grapefruit-citrus soda)

7) a 2-litre bottle of Orange Fanta (it tastes different in the UK - closer to Orangina but better)

8) various sundries from Marks and Spencer (bras, panties and wonderful smelling body washes and lotions)

Yeah, yeah it's all junk but it's awesome British junk.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Making A Lasting Impression At Work...

So I just made a boo-boo and antagonized the girl who is the assistant director. I didn't mean to but you know me. My mouth starts moving and shit just starts coming out. So the deal is: She was asking what time she should have a car come get her tomorrow for a flight she has to ATL tomorrow night at 8pm. Me and the Temp woman were trying to guess-timate and she said around 5:30. I said it's a domestic flight so you only have to be there an hour early. But Temp woman (TW for short, or Erica* 'cuz that's her name) said "yeah but traffic at that time of the day will be a killer". We all agreed. And this is where my mouth moved forward before my head. I said "well, you don't look like the type of person who likes to ride the train but what you could do is take the 4/5 to 125 and then take the M60. It's probably quicker". Well you know she got her panties in a bunch, what do you mean by that? she said. And then I was like "aw sookie sookie, I done done it." 'Cuz you know what I meant wasn't that she didn't look like the type of girl that doesn't like to ride the train, I meant she doesn't look like the type of white girl that would feel safe going up to the quote unquote 'hood.

That's what I meant but I of course didn't say that and in retrospect if I knew I'd get shit for it I might as well have. Because she and Erica just went to town. (Honestly- because Erica is the kind of white girl that would get on the train at two fifth or in the Bronx or Brownsville, or in East New York- not because she's "down" but 'cuz she doesn't give a fuck). So the AD is like "that sounds like you're saying I'm snob". And I try to explain without just coming out with it that that's not want I meant, while Erica is howling with laughter (because again, I think she knows what I'm saying and is having fun watching me squirm). So that was two days ago on Wednesday. So I'm thinking the shit has blown over but M. (the boss lady) has left for the day and so we gather around talking and just for shits and giggles Erica brings it up again and I proceed to try to rationalize my statement badly and Beth (the AD) is getting pissed and Erica is laughing. (She leaves today so it's all fun and games but starting Monday it's just me and Beth in the office -because boss lady is in London).

Finally Beth gets annoyed with my feeble explanation, jumps up and pantomimes me digging myself deeper with a shovel. Great. (She wasn't wrong.) Only Jesus/Mohammed/Buddha/Krishna sitting on my shoulder saying "STFU!" stopped me from finally just saying "Look, I said it because you are the type of girl that didn't hear that Harlem is gentrified and has almost as many white people living here as black at this point! You're the type that is still worried she'll get mugged on two-fifth!" But again I didn't say anything. I just sighed deeply and apologized for any offense I caused. Jesus! I don't know that I'm going to make it here. Seriously. The distance from my house is great and the paycheck seems decent (I think I haven't really seen it yet) but if this is what I have to look forward to indefinitely, I think I'm going to have to see if Crate and Barrel is hiring.

PS. And the thing is I'm completely right. Erica was going to ride with her up to 125 and get on the M60 with her, but now they've decided (which is actually smarter given where we are) to take the N/R to Astoria Blvd and then catch the M60 there (AKA once it's well out of the hood). But right isn't might, correct? So what if I'm a good judge of character and had her number right away? She reserves the right to be offended by my inference and indictment of her character (I'm saying this as a truism- I'm not being sarcastic here. She's right. I realized that I just need to learn to STFU.)

*Erica's real name is Erica but "Beth" is not Beth