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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Putting in Some Undertime

I gotta get out of my office and go get something to eat (at least an apple or something) 'cuz my stomach is growling- or something approximating that- like crazy. It actually feels a little upset but I know that's hunger. I was working steadily this morning- grinding it out but I got sidelined by a mid-day conference call so now I've slowed down and I'm checking out CNET to hear the latest on the Apple vs. Samsung copyright infringement lawsuit (did you hear about that?) Apparently, Apple won and now Samsung owes them about a billion (with a "b") dollars. Interesting.

I also watched the pilot of The Mindy Project" on hulu (listened to it while glimpsing parts of it briefly is probably more accurate description of what actually went down). It seemed interesting and it was decently funny. Mindy Kaling needs to work on her delivery a little- she's a bit wooden, but that didn't hurt Jerry Seinfeld. Admittedly, though Jerry is not a little, cute Indian woman though- so they might not give her as much of a pass as they gave him. But it was cute- the premise is that she's a pediatrician that is completely inept- not at her job but at her life. The way the show starts she's explaining to a police officer why she was arrested for drunken disorderly-ness (not a word) and public intoxication for have ridden a bicycle into someone's pool after having attended her ex's wedding.

Like I said it was cute and it's refreshing kind of to see Mindy being like white identified and have like stereotypical "white girl angst" while being so clearly not white. I mean that girl is darker than me and it's not at all the point- she's as white-identified as can be. It's interesting and refreshing. They're telegraphing an inevitable romance between her and my backup-lover #5 Chris Messina (that was Rashida Jones' new guy in Celeste and Jesse Forever). He's an obnoxious colleague that she should obviously be with but who she hates right now. I wish it was a little more subtle but on a more positive note she's got a booty-call thing happening with a British colleague who's hot. So she's not asexual or anything. A girl of a certain size, age and race that has an active sex life and is desirable. That's nice. Anyhoo, I need to get back down to business but I'm taking this moment in lieu of a lunch break (Which I honestly rarely take- I just goof off intermittently through out the day). What should I eat? I hate everything around here so much now.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Possible New Job

So I got the second interview. I'm almost literally shitting bricks. Right this second, I'm fighting waves of nausea. My stomach started churning when I got the email even though I had been waiting for it. On the one hand, I'm jazzed right? So flattered that I'm one of the ones they picked. New job, new opportunities, new vistas, new challenges. But on the other, it's out of my comfort zone for realz: new expectations, new demands, new shit I don't know, new ways to disappoint. My therapist said everyone bullshits their resume- a lot of people aren't as qualified as they presented themselves to be. But I don't want to be a fraud. I don't want them to wake up six months from now and realize they made a mistake picking me. (If they do).

Also, I don't want to be a bad guy. It is just killing me. The prospect of having to tell my boss I quit is actually nauseating me. I don't want her to hate me. I want an amicable split. My therapist said that the reason I'm so panicked about this is because I don't have a man (I know that sounds crazy right? But follow the logic...) Shasta* says I'm feeling a sense of loyalty and commitment to this job disproportionate with what I should because I have no other outlet for those feelings. I'm clinging to this job because I'm not dating or anything so all that energy I'd normally be channeling into my romantic life is being diverted into my work one. And an "unnatural" (my words and emphasis not hers) fixation with my job and the people at my job- specifically Chelsie* is driving this fear to quit.

When she said it and I sat back and mulled over a bit, I could see truth in it. If I had a man and other foci what Chelsie thought of my departure probably wouldn't matter all that much. I mean yeah a little because of the implications it has on my ability to get recommendations from her in the future. But my emotions and sense of myself wouldn't be all wrapped up in there too like it is now. I literally do not want her to hate me- to be angry with me and feel like I abandoned her or left her in the lurch with no recourse.

I feel sick just thinking about it. I mean just imagining telling her I'm leaving actually makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm pathetic.

So that said, my other concern is that I might deliberately but sub-consciously self-sabotage so I don't get offered this job. I told my therapist about that too- she said just don't do it. As if it was that easy. Just don't do it. Yeah so I'm going to spend the afternoon working on how to "just don't do it". Anyhoo, I was wondering if you recalled that really good questions that you've had? I have to attempt to knock it out of the park this time.

*Not their real names, of course.