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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Peppermint Bark!

Ack! Williams-Sonoma's wonderful once a year treat -their specialty Peppermint Bark is on sale today (with free shipping!) and I'm broke.

I am absolutely heartbroken. The damn bark is too expensive normally (it doesn't stop me from buying it) but today only it's 25% off! That's a whole 5 bucks I would get to keep in my pocket (plus shipping!) while still enjoying the chocolate-y minty goodness. Why, oh why did it have to be today? Woe is me!

Oh well. I'm supposed to be on a diet (of sorts) anyway.

Monday, November 28, 2011


So this morning I look into my email inbox- one that was recently hacked- hunting for more weird emails. (I sent out a mass apology to everyone after my mom called me about it yesterday irate- absolutely terrified that someone had jumped through the internet and body-snatched me apparently). And I find that I have a new wink and new message on OkCupid. Now at the beginning of last week I did another tweak of my profile because I was certain that it wasn't projecting the "rainbow-friendly" image I wanted. Since then there have been two messages (or rather a wink and a message) plus a couple 4-star ratings that I just got from members indicating to me that perhaps, I'm now on the right track. The wink was from a cute-ish 28-year old and the other message was from a 25-year old Kentucky tranplant (KENTUCKY-really?), here’s what he wrote (no joke, I straight cut and pasted it for you):

"You're exactly the kind of woman I'm looking for. Let's throw all of this internet courtship business aside. "I don't want to meet you over drinks. I don't want to cook dinner with you. I want you to call me, at whatever hour, and say you just need someone to stay over. I want you to say you don't want to have sex with me and just have me oil up your body for you and give you a massage while we're both naked. I want you to keep me in your bed like a stuffed animal that you cuddle with when you want, throw out when you want, and order to come back and cuddle you when you want. I want you to send me sexy text messages. I want to bath with you by candle light on weeknights. Gr---"

All I can say is Wow!

He included his phone number. Now what the hell do I do with this? It definitely piqued my interest. I wrote him back that this was by far the most interesting (and vivid- but I didn't say that part) message I've ever gotten. Which is completely true- forget the dudes who clearly just wanted to f#$% me, even the regular dudes on this site have never written their interest in me so eloquently. In the end, I just asked him if he honestly had written that to another woman before and what her response was. (I doubt he'll be truthful- but I'll be even more impressed if he is). I mean, this message is a bold move. But like I said I don't want to fall for the ole "okey-doke". I have to admit though, I'm intrigued. Know what I mean? I mean really, I could/should be scandalized by this message, right? Or at least grossed out- but I'm not. However, I don't want to contact him and have him think I'm some sort of ho-bag. Is that bad? Am I falling for the okey-doke anyway?

What do you think?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Miss Bey, continued...

Okay-so I wrote some stuff yesterday and then today I came in and saw even more damning evidence that it’s all been faked, but then on Vibe Online there was the picture I was asking for –sort of.

It was a picture of Bey in a sheer cover up with a bikini underneath. I mean that’s pretty solid. I mean that can be faked too but that’s extremely elaborate and painstaking to do (I'm assuming- not to mention crazy). My only reservation about going back to my original thought process –which was maybe she’s just padding herself up for emphasis is she’s suddenly huge. I mean she’s still got like three more months to go and she’s as big as JLo and Mariah were with twins- but none of it is in her face or arms or anything. That’s just weird. My coworker is a tiny girl (like a size 00 – in the new crazy fashion sizing). She got really big in her last four or so months with both of her kids. But she blew up- like a helium balloon, all of her- her whole body. Not as bad as JLo et al. (where even their noses and stuff got bigger) but her boobs were ginormous, her arms were big, her hips, etc.

On the other hand, the people who carry small, whose faces don’t gain weight and whose fingers don’t get so fat they have to take off their rings, don’t get huge at all. Anywhere. Like Miss Jada- with both Jaden and Willow. They walk around looking like snakes that swallowed basketballs. They don’t get freekin’ enormous everywhere except anywhere it counts for fashion, i.e. the face, the arms, the legs (she was wearing hot pants a couple weeks ago and her legs looked exactly the same). Even as I write this, I seem to be re-convincing myself that she’s a faker. Until she takes off the sheer muumuu and lets us have a gander I’m not convinced. (Not that my opinion counts for anything at all).

I’m just saying…

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Miss Bey and the "baby"

So I’m going to go on ahead and officially join the ranks of the crazies. I was trying to withhold judgment for the longest but now I’m just going to go ahead and say it:

I think Beyoncé is lying about her pregnancy. I don’t know why and it really doesn’t make any sense to me but it just doesn’t look real. Now I will concede that if you look at one of my friend's pictures from when she was pregnant with her twins she really looked fake too. She looked like a little kid with a beach ball tucked under her shirt –so I know some people carry weird. But Beyoncé’s new pictures from the other day when she hosted a screening of her concert album look crazy fake to me. She looks as if she’s wearing padding and a push up bra. Either that or she’s wearing just about the most poorly cut dress I’ve ever seen in my life -that wasn’t on Project Runway. I don’t know maybe it’s House of Dereón? ('Cuz she is still being willfully ignorant about her mother's level of talent in design).

While bearing in mind that though I'm no maternity expert, I have in my life, seen dozens of pregnant women before and I have also actually seen this particular girl in the flesh (not five feet from my eyeballs), I cannot conceptualize how her pregnancy would make her ass look like it does in this dress. It’s not because of some Spanx-like garment ‘cuz that ass is lumpy (which is understandable generally). But the point of Spanx is generally to smooth that out not create lumps. And I hate to be graphic but her butt is just about the biggest thing about her and it's more "bubble"-shaped. So how do you explain that in this picture she’s got my butt- wide and flat? Pregnancy does lots of horrible things to you, I know. But I’m virtually certain changing the size and composition of your ass is not one of them.

Now I’m not speculating on why and for what purpose she’d be faking her pregnancy- ‘cuz as I said before it doesn’t make any sense. Protecting her figure, while understandable in theory seems laughably self-involved. She doesn't honestly seem that shallow. But whatever the reason, I’m starting to be in Wendy Williams' camp about whether or not she’s done it. I still teeter on the edge of believing she's actually pregnant though. And for that reason, my favorite new-ish theory that gives Miss Bey the benefit of the doubt is that maybe she is pregnant but she’s carrying so small that if she didn’t pad herself you wouldn’t be able to tell. So she pads herself to make the pregnancy into the media spectacle she and Jay-Z believe it should be?

I don’t know but the facts as they stand, just don’t ring true to me. I tried to dismiss the Australian interview thing- although that was d@mn compelling evidence but until she and Jay go to St. Tropez again and we get a legit baby-bump in a bikini or similarly skimpy bathing suit photo, I’m gonna have to call b*llsh!t on this.

Friday, November 18, 2011


Just got the new Kindle Fire. I'm a complete Kindle newbie.

So forty-eight hours ago I borrowed the first Hunger Games book from the Kindle Lending Library as a learning experience. Plus, I kept saying I'd find out what all the fuss was about with these books. Well, I loved it! I immediately went to the actual library where I work to borrow the next book in the trilogy since I'd have had to wait until Dec. 1st to take out another book on my Kindle. They only had the second book in audiobook format. That did not appeal to me but I took it anyway. It’s been a long time since I listened to an audiobook. Now I know why. I realize I don’t like them very much. That surprised me. I thought I’d be a big fan: Reading without the hard work of actually reading. Sounds perfect! Well turns out, not so much.

I found the whole thing very disorienting. Which was a surprise since I’ve listened to audiobooks before. I’m having trouble pinpointing exactly what I didn’t enjoy about it this time. Because I have enjoyed them (at least a little) in the past. I think it may have been that all my other audiobook experiences until now (with one exception) had always ever been read by the author themselves. Maybe it was because they were telling their own stories, it added something “more”? Even Maya Angelou, who I generally find a little trying to listen to talk for more than a few minutes, was compelling reading from her own books. But through no fault of the author’s or actress reading (which happened to be Carolyn McCormick- who incidentally played Dr. Olivet on Law & Order) I found the reading really lackluster. It was surprising because she has such a soothing voice on L&O. But the narrator of the book is supposed to be a sixteen year old girl. There is no way she sounds sixteen. And she was doing all the different characters (which she was good at) but it was distracting. And she over-enunciated her words which was taxing on my nerves after a while. Or it just could be that I’m a reader. The Kindle itself is a challenge for me aesthetically. I keep wanting to turn the page. It’s only been a couple of days but I admit I find it very contrary to the format I usually use to consume books and I guess an audiobook is even more so like that. So it’s all an adjustment for me.

Well, one way or the other, I don’t think I’ll be doing the audiobook-thing that often (maybe I’ll just keep that format for long distance drives and the like). But, I listened to the whole second book in a marathon (six hours last night and five today while working) and now I can’t wait to get my hands on the third. But I mean my actual hands. I’m fighting the impulse to buy the third book when I go to Target tonight. I’m trying to hold out until I can borrow it from the lending library on the Kindle in two weeks. But I wanna know now! I’ve now gotten through both of the first two books in a little less than 48 hours. So I guess I’m definitely hooked. Who knew I was gonna be like one of those freekin’ Twihards and whatever the hell they call the Harry Potter fans- Muggles or whatever. But I’m addicted to Hunger games- it hurts my heart that unlike those other two franchises this will be the last book. (Although I know if there were eight books like Harry Potter I’d lose steam after about the fourth one. That’s about the point usually where my interest wanes). Whatever. I’m rambling now.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Single Life

Cue the Cameo music...

Right now, I guess I am thinking that I need to be out of my house more. Meet more people. Men in particular. (Although honestly, I'm not up for the meat market most of "mixer" events are) but as they say I'm not gonna meet anyone in my house and no one is gonna knock on my front door and be like "Hey there sexy, I'm the man of your dreams" unless he's the UPS man or the TimeWarner guy. Which by definition would make him NOT the man of my dreams.

Last night, my Dad- MY DAD! said "you guys (meaning me and my brother) are almost forty and you haven't found mates yet". (First of all: I am NOT almost forty and my brother just broke up with his girlfriend, she moved out- just as he was about to propose.) to be fair I know my dad wasn't saying it as a diss, he was lamenting. But the point is he's worried about us. He worries that brothers and I are going to slip backward in terms of upward mobility. In part because we're out here alone instead of having mates that we can "build" with. He credits his wife as a crucial part of how he was able to move into the upper middle class because they were able to build wealth together. Now he's witnessing none of us having counterparts to build with.

It was a depressing but true convo. My brothers' relationships have fallen apart and I've never really had anyone at all and so he's worried. My eldest brother's already in his forties and by my Dad's (and incidentally my therapist's) estimation, we're gonna be forty tomorrow. We need to start really thinking of the future. Which is true. And though I don't think my potential life partner is at any mixer/speed dating things, I guess I need to get into practice being social. I have great-grandma tendencies- I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to have to talk to people I don't know. I don't want to dance around and drink and crap. My friend Claire said I'm feral- which is a step away from being unfit for normal human interaction. So I got to get over it. Ugh.

Anyway, you can officially add my father to the pile of people who say we're (meaning me and all my friends) are too picky. He said too many black men have been led off the "right path" and so we need to be willing to pick a man up and dust him off if we want a mate. I almost told him that's why I'm not looking for a black man any more. LOL. But I kept that to myself. ('Cuz I'm still not sure that it's true- it's still under debate- take that Ralph Richard Banks).