I need to be out of my house more interacting with human beings, outside of work. 'Cuz, I'm turning into a creature...I'm not even sure what kind of creature it is but whatever it is it's soon going to be incapable of interpersonal relations.
I saw this cute Scottish dude's profile on OkCupid and initially I wasn't even going to say anything. -Because I know I'm not his type, despite the fact that on OkC we're supposedly an 85% match 90-something percent friendship match. But then I decided f*ck it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Right!
I didn't even know what to say. I mean I literally didn't have anything to say! I couldn't believe it. Once upon a time, despite the fact that I was shy and truly preferred not to, I had the ability to talk to anyone about anything. That's like a f*cking ninja, kung-fu life-skill right there and I had it. Just naturally had it, ever since I was a kid. According to my 'rents, it was a little unsettling when I was younger, I could talk with adults, other kids, anyone. I won't go so far as to say I was charismatic (that's OD'ing a bit) but you drop me some place and as painful as I might find it in the process, at the end of the day I could manage to make a genuine connection with someone. And now it's gone...Kaiser Soze'd off - poof. Gone. I'm so inept now, that given an unlimited amount of time with no pressure (as say for example, with this man who was not standing right there in front of me, looking at me and waiting for my responses) I could not come up with anything interesting to say. I let my one ninja skill atrophy and die. That's just pathetic.
Okay. That being said however, I didn't allow that to be an excuse not to put myself out there. I sucked up my suck-age and sent him a message anyway (I had to try- did I mention he was cute AND a Scot?) but still, what I wrote was super sh*tty - just unoriginal, uninteresting, definitely generic dreck. So of course, he didn't respond. Not that I thought he would anyway, but it's one thing to think he didn't respond because he's uninterested in fat girls (which I know is invariably true, without knowing the guy from Adam) but it's another to know that I also blew it by being fat AND uninteresting. Ugh. So sad, too bad.
And again I'm having an insane sense of deja vu. Like I wrote this same thing last year at this same time...I'm going to have to check the blog to see. That would be both crazy and sad if that's the case. And it's not just a sense of deja vu about having this conversation about writing a guy I knew wouldn't be interested, it's also deja vu about the deja vu. Good God it's a glitch in the Matrix!