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Friday, August 9, 2013


I'm so horny! Ugh.

Of course, that means Aunt Flo must be on her way for a visit when I'm feeling like that right? I am positively all over the map this week emotionally. I've nearly cried publicly (for no reason whatsoever) like three times in the last five days. I'm sore all over, tired and as I said, horny as hell. It's ridiculous! I mean, I don't even use the equipment, so why can't I just trade it in or shut it down or at least set it to hibernate or something, seriously! I've been feeling like an exposed nerve ending all week. If I didn't have to work I would have just laid in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and waited this week out. Bear in mind, the damn bitch hasn't even shown up yet! This is all just the preamble to herald her imminent arrival...that asshole!

Whatever man, anyhoo, work's okay. I'm officially outside of the circle of Black women in the office. I don't know if it's them or me (the truth is it's probably me, but I've decided it's them). Since we're not contemporaries educationally or even in the office there's no reason to talk to any of them. And they give me few other ways of breaking into their little klatch otherwise (same for the Latina group). The one that's on my floor, is congenial enough but that's about it. Her office is near my cube, so I thought to make like a friendly neighbor and say hello as I pass everyday, which has worked -in a limited capacity. It actually proved successful in making me more friendly with the lawyer in the office next to hers (we've gone out to lunch together). So that's one of the other ways in which I know I'm not unapproachable or otherwise doing something wrong. I've managed to get on good terms with almost everyone else who's near my cube. And while I'd be misstating things to suggest she and I are not on "good terms", there's just something missing in my encounters with her. Like something held in reserve when we speak, it's weird and awkward. And it's rarely like that with me and other Black people (unless of course they just take a disliking to me or I to them). Oh well, I promise to get over it.

I think it's just the freakin' period thing that's making it sting particularly acutely this week. Jesus, I don't know what's wrong with me. Every day this week I've just have wanted to crawl into a dark corner somewhere and have a good cry. I interrupted the all-staff meeting this morning with this crazed coughing jag that erupted right at the end when I randomly inhaled my own saliva. It was so weird and so fucking embarrassing! People had to go get me water and give me tissues 'cuz all my facial orifices were leaking. If a hole could have opened up and just swallowed me, it would have been a gift. Thinking about it makes me want to cry right now (ugh, pathetic). I'm a loser.

Anyway, this guy that I've been kind of talking to on and off- very sparingly on OkCupid asked for my number (I gave him the Star Star number...at last I have used it!) So now I guess I'm waiting to hear from him. Thing is, I'm not even interested. He says he's 27, he looks between 35 and 37. He's not my type at all but you know, I'm not doing anything else, so I might as well right? He might be a nice guy. There was another one - a 43 year old bald white guy (incidentally, the 27 year old is also white or white-esque), he had wanted my number but I told him I'm awful on the phone - which is the truth- and he was really sweet about it. He said we could just talk for a while on OkC (this after he'd just finished saying he didn't want to do a big drawn out talking-on-OkC-thing). He seemed really decent- but again I'm not really all that interested. We emailed each other back and forth one night, but I got distracted baking cookies for my office picnic. And while I apologized the next day for leaving him hanging, I haven't really spoken to him since. Despite the fact that I think his personality might be lovely, he's really not doing anything for me physically. I'm gonna be one lonely bitch right? Yeah I know. I need to contact him again. At least for the practice, he might prove to be a great date. I just really don't want to. Ugh. I'm the worst. I'm gonna go into the bathroom and cry now.

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