So I know how melodramatic this sounds, I know I sound like a crazy person (but shhh...I am a crazy person) this job is starting to make me physically ill. I want to burst into tears everyday on the way to work and in the office when I'm sitting at my desk. When my boss talks to me I cringe. Today no one's even in. They're at an all-day meeting across town and I'm still miserable. My stomach aches, I can barely eat (which is a lot for me). I thought at first the loss of appetite had to do with being ill (and think some of it did) but it's more than that. I'm in the office and I just want to barf. I'm good at making myself miserable but I don't think I've been this unhappy for this sustained a period. I'm past trying to compare this to my other jobs, I was never this miserable before- even when my old co-worker was being a complete bitch and I wanted to kick her in the teeth. I don't know if it's because I've changed into this weaker wimpier person or because I'm genuinely in a worse position.
Yesterday, my colleague defended me as Boss Lady was about to accuse me - yet again of double booking her (my colleague let's call her Beth). So Beth was like "It wasn't her (meaning my) fault, I got a call late yesterday and this appointment is new." Boss Lady was like "I'm not saying it was anybody's fault." All defensively like she wasn't just about have me look at the calendar and explain why I booked the colleague on an appointment when she had another one. It was so surprising that Boss Lady tried to play it off. Because she'd already begun to do it- which was why Beth spoke up, in the first place. Beth wasn't even in the room with us. She was in her office and I was standing in Boss Lady's doorway. If she wasn't about to belittle me why would Beth spoken up? People are such liars. You should have seen how Boss Lady looked at me during our staff meeting and rolled her eyes when I said something she didn't like. I know, I know I'm too sensitive. She's not beating me or yelling at me but I've never worked somewhere where my boss so openly disliked me. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I will sit in my house in the dark without a phone or television or utilities if that's the only way I can get out of here. Seriously. I hate it here. I'm still contemplating a throwing myself down the stairs.
I know I must sound like an absolute self-centered idiot to you, but I'm just so so unhappy. My aunt and my therapist both say that I should stay until March/April like I said originally (in fact my therapist doesn't want me to leave at all- she thinks this is character-building. Truth is my aunt does too. I can see why they would think so but I'm 35- if a thick-skin ain't in my character yet, it probably never will be). Right now, I'm barely making it through January. Every morning, I wonder why I can't be like one of those people who just doesn't ever come back. Who leaves one day like usual and then just drops off the face of the planet. I remember in grade school I had two teachers who did that. They just disappeared. I think they may have called in sick the first week and then they just Kaiser Soze'd it and Poof, vanished. It's so unprofessional, I know. I couldn't do it- although truth told it's not about the unprofessional nature of it- I don't care about that. I care what they'd say about me if i did that. Plus what if Boss Lady tried (and succeeded) in bad mouthing me- I don't know how extensive her networks are. That's the root of everything. Why this job makes me so miserable and why I haven't just bounced. I'm scared. Scared to stay and scared to go. Just scared. As I've said I care too much what people think (although clearly I don't care if I sound to you like a lunatic whiny bitch) ;-)
Anyhoo, Suits tomorrow night!! I watched the whole of last season when they had a marathon last Wednesday (I was home sick). So excited.
So the latest episode of Deception? What are you thinking? (I'm sticking with it but it's a little bootleg). How about Person of Interest and Elementary- both were really good last week. (No new episodes for two weeks though I think- not until February- do they even do sweeps anymore? It's all so confusing now). I have the first episode of Being Human on my DVR (named Josh), I think I'll watch it tonight. Did you see it? Was it any good. I was complaining to my girl friend the other day that I really like Being Human but it irritates me how siloed their stories are. Like they don't tell each other anything until the sh!t literally hits the fan. Josh doesn't know that Aiden was buried, Aiden doesn't know that Sally shredded herself. It's so annoying. But I'm still gonna watch it. I admit this will be an extremely inopportune time to lose my cable. Just as TV is hitting it's stride for the season. Game of Thrones starts on HBO in March- I'm sad about this too. If I quit my job then I'll absolutely have to find something to do for money until I can get a job.
Oh well. Maybe I'll stick with this a while longer. The things I do for TV.