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Friday, January 18, 2013

Man, Quitting is hard to do!

Man, I had no idea I was so high-strung! I've had people tell me that more than once but it was always a kind of "yeah, yeah, yeah"- thing where I thought they were teasing me or messing with me or something. I thought myself a much more mellow type of person. But today, I'm about to have an anxiety attack. I could literally jump ten feet straight up (like Tom from Tom and Jerry). I am filled with so much nervous energy- you'd think I was being executed tonight. I thought I was nervous when I told my former boss I quit- at least with that though, I did it first thing in the morning and didn't have it hanging over my head all day. This time, I deliberately decided to do it in the evening right before we leave because I wanted as little uncomfortable time in the office as possible before I could bounce (and before she would have a nice long weekend to think about it and come back professional, not pissed off). Little did I know that that would leave me spending the whole day as if I were about to walk the freekin' plank! I'm at Threat Level-Orange for no reason. I thought I was miserable all these days preceding but they have nothing on how miserable I am feeling right now. Although miserable is really not the word, it's anxious and fearful.

I'm venting again sorry, but I have no where to let off all this nervous freekin' energy. Only me turns every little molehill into Everest. It's too bad because in two seconds I'm not going to have any health insurance but I'm thinking perhaps I need something a little more than my therapist. I have industrial strength issues maybe I need an actual psychiatrist- like the medical doctor- with the good-good pharmaceuticals? Days like today I feel literally two seconds from the looney-bin. I can't believe I do this to myself. It's all me, this part isn't Boss Lady or her "doing" anything to me (in fact she's been sitting quietly in her office all day). By rights, I should be able to stop whenever I want and just calm the ef down but I just can't. Boss Lady doesn't know it (or maybe she does) but she's about to dodge a bullet with my cray-cray ass. Being rid of me is a blessing. I need a sedative.

Argh! I feel like my head is going to pop off my shoulders from the anxiety. I've got this radiating pain pulsing right behind my left ear- I have got to calm down.

Anyhoo, on to a topic that gives me a similar but better sense of agita - Scandal! Well first thing first, my DVR (named Josh) was acting up so I had to manually record that and he wouldn't let me record Suits until 1 in the morning. I stayed late at work yesterday finishing up some work. So when I got home I watched Person of Interest, though it wasn't a new episode. 'Cuz it was new to me- as it was one of the billion or so episodes Josh has refused to record. It was from last season when Root kidnapped Finch and Reese and Carter were looking for him. I missed most of that. Then at ten, I watched Grey's, then at eleven I watched Scandal. It was a pretty good episode but again I'm wondering why the hell Shonda is going out of her way to emasculate Tony Goldwyn. It's weird. I have no problem with a man crying, don't get me wrong, and Tony cries with the best of them. But the whole thing with his Dad...it's irritating. And I don't see the point.

So I also watch Nashville. That's my newest joint. I got into it about three or four episodes in but I love it now. What is wrong with Juliette? She's all kinds of messed up but I thought she was smart to marry the football player (despite what his mom said). It seemed pretty clear to me that she was gonna be the one running sh!t in their relationship- she should have kept him around. Question, was he the dude that impregnated Val on the first episode of Single Ladies? He looks mad familiar but I can't place him. Anyhoo, I'm just waiting patiently until Deacon and whatever Connie Britton's character is named get together. Now that he's been tossed off the tour and she can't find someone to be her guitarist, I see a reconciliation coming.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's Official: I HATE MY NEW JOB (!?!)

So I know how melodramatic this sounds, I know I sound like a crazy person (but shhh...I am a crazy person) this job is starting to make me physically ill. I want to burst into tears everyday on the way to work and in the office when I'm sitting at my desk. When my boss talks to me I cringe. Today no one's even in. They're at an all-day meeting across town and I'm still miserable. My stomach aches, I can barely eat (which is a lot for me). I thought at first the loss of appetite had to do with being ill (and think some of it did) but it's more than that. I'm in the office and I just want to barf. I'm good at making myself miserable but I don't think I've been this unhappy for this sustained a period. I'm past trying to compare this to my other jobs, I was never this miserable before- even when my old co-worker was being a complete bitch and I wanted to kick her in the teeth. I don't know if it's because I've changed into this weaker wimpier person or because I'm genuinely in a worse position.

Yesterday, my colleague defended me as Boss Lady was about to accuse me - yet again of double booking her (my colleague let's call her Beth). So Beth was like "It wasn't her (meaning my) fault, I got a call late yesterday and this appointment is new." Boss Lady was like "I'm not saying it was anybody's fault." All defensively like she wasn't just about have me look at the calendar and explain why I booked the colleague on an appointment when she had another one. It was so surprising that Boss Lady tried to play it off. Because she'd already begun to do it- which was why Beth spoke up, in the first place. Beth wasn't even in the room with us. She was in her office and I was standing in Boss Lady's doorway. If she wasn't about to belittle me why would Beth spoken up? People are such liars. You should have seen how Boss Lady looked at me during our staff meeting and rolled her eyes when I said something she didn't like. I know, I know I'm too sensitive. She's not beating me or yelling at me but I've never worked somewhere where my boss so openly disliked me. I HAVE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! I will sit in my house in the dark without a phone or television or utilities if that's the only way I can get out of here. Seriously. I hate it here. I'm still contemplating a throwing myself down the stairs.

I know I must sound like an absolute self-centered idiot to you, but I'm just so so unhappy. My aunt and my therapist both say that I should stay until March/April like I said originally (in fact my therapist doesn't want me to leave at all- she thinks this is character-building. Truth is my aunt does too. I can see why they would think so but I'm 35- if a thick-skin ain't in my character yet, it probably never will be). Right now, I'm barely making it through January. Every morning, I wonder why I can't be like one of those people who just doesn't ever come back. Who leaves one day like usual and then just drops off the face of the planet. I remember in grade school I had two teachers who did that. They just disappeared. I think they may have called in sick the first week and then they just Kaiser Soze'd it and Poof, vanished. It's so unprofessional, I know. I couldn't do it- although truth told it's not about the unprofessional nature of it- I don't care about that. I care what they'd say about me if i did that. Plus what if Boss Lady tried (and succeeded) in bad mouthing me- I don't know how extensive her networks are. That's the root of everything. Why this job makes me so miserable and why I haven't just bounced. I'm scared. Scared to stay and scared to go. Just scared. As I've said I care too much what people think (although clearly I don't care if I sound to you like a lunatic whiny bitch) ;-)

Anyhoo, Suits tomorrow night!! I watched the whole of last season when they had a marathon last Wednesday (I was home sick). So excited.

So the latest episode of Deception? What are you thinking? (I'm sticking with it but it's a little bootleg). How about Person of Interest and Elementary- both were really good last week. (No new episodes for two weeks though I think- not until February- do they even do sweeps anymore? It's all so confusing now). I have the first episode of Being Human on my DVR (named Josh), I think I'll watch it tonight. Did you see it? Was it any good. I was complaining to my girl friend the other day that I really like Being Human but it irritates me how siloed their stories are. Like they don't tell each other anything until the sh!t literally hits the fan. Josh doesn't know that Aiden was buried, Aiden doesn't know that Sally shredded herself. It's so annoying. But I'm still gonna watch it. I admit this will be an extremely inopportune time to lose my cable. Just as TV is hitting it's stride for the season. Game of Thrones starts on HBO in March- I'm sad about this too. If I quit my job then I'll absolutely have to find something to do for money until I can get a job.

Oh well. Maybe I'll stick with this a while longer. The things I do for TV.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year, New Attitude!

Happy New Year Everyone! I hope that things are going better for you than me. 2012 proved to be far more challenging than I expected, but that's no excuse for my neglect so I must apologize. The initial purpose of this blog was to muse on all sorts of things, not just my complaints and romantic misadventures. The fact that it's devolved into just a "Lonely Hearts" journal is somewhat of a source of embarrassment for me. Now I don't make New Year's resolutions because I (and by extension they) are doomed to failure. This blog itself and my infrequent use of it is the perfect case in point (see my initial entries for more). I had hoped to talk about all the things that stir my interest or incite my ire, not just my love-life (or my lack thereof). So far I have fallen quite short of that goal, but I will endeavor to do better from now on. Now, I can't promise a complete one-eighty but I do promise improvement from here on out. In the meantime, here's a little New Year's sumthin' sumthin' featuring one of my favorite actors:

PG PORN- NAILING YOUR WIFE with Nathan Fillion &... by MrHaggisPie