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Friday, August 10, 2012

Possible New Job

So I got the second interview. I'm almost literally shitting bricks. Right this second, I'm fighting waves of nausea. My stomach started churning when I got the email even though I had been waiting for it. On the one hand, I'm jazzed right? So flattered that I'm one of the ones they picked. New job, new opportunities, new vistas, new challenges. But on the other, it's out of my comfort zone for realz: new expectations, new demands, new shit I don't know, new ways to disappoint. My therapist said everyone bullshits their resume- a lot of people aren't as qualified as they presented themselves to be. But I don't want to be a fraud. I don't want them to wake up six months from now and realize they made a mistake picking me. (If they do).

Also, I don't want to be a bad guy. It is just killing me. The prospect of having to tell my boss I quit is actually nauseating me. I don't want her to hate me. I want an amicable split. My therapist said that the reason I'm so panicked about this is because I don't have a man (I know that sounds crazy right? But follow the logic...) Shasta* says I'm feeling a sense of loyalty and commitment to this job disproportionate with what I should because I have no other outlet for those feelings. I'm clinging to this job because I'm not dating or anything so all that energy I'd normally be channeling into my romantic life is being diverted into my work one. And an "unnatural" (my words and emphasis not hers) fixation with my job and the people at my job- specifically Chelsie* is driving this fear to quit.

When she said it and I sat back and mulled over a bit, I could see truth in it. If I had a man and other foci what Chelsie thought of my departure probably wouldn't matter all that much. I mean yeah a little because of the implications it has on my ability to get recommendations from her in the future. But my emotions and sense of myself wouldn't be all wrapped up in there too like it is now. I literally do not want her to hate me- to be angry with me and feel like I abandoned her or left her in the lurch with no recourse.

I feel sick just thinking about it. I mean just imagining telling her I'm leaving actually makes me feel like I'm going to vomit. I'm pathetic.

So that said, my other concern is that I might deliberately but sub-consciously self-sabotage so I don't get offered this job. I told my therapist about that too- she said just don't do it. As if it was that easy. Just don't do it. Yeah so I'm going to spend the afternoon working on how to "just don't do it". Anyhoo, I was wondering if you recalled that really good questions that you've had? I have to attempt to knock it out of the park this time.

*Not their real names, of course.

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