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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Miss Bey and the "baby"

So I’m going to go on ahead and officially join the ranks of the crazies. I was trying to withhold judgment for the longest but now I’m just going to go ahead and say it:

I think Beyoncé is lying about her pregnancy. I don’t know why and it really doesn’t make any sense to me but it just doesn’t look real. Now I will concede that if you look at one of my friend's pictures from when she was pregnant with her twins she really looked fake too. She looked like a little kid with a beach ball tucked under her shirt –so I know some people carry weird. But Beyoncé’s new pictures from the other day when she hosted a screening of her concert album look crazy fake to me. She looks as if she’s wearing padding and a push up bra. Either that or she’s wearing just about the most poorly cut dress I’ve ever seen in my life -that wasn’t on Project Runway. I don’t know maybe it’s House of Dereón? ('Cuz she is still being willfully ignorant about her mother's level of talent in design).

While bearing in mind that though I'm no maternity expert, I have in my life, seen dozens of pregnant women before and I have also actually seen this particular girl in the flesh (not five feet from my eyeballs), I cannot conceptualize how her pregnancy would make her ass look like it does in this dress. It’s not because of some Spanx-like garment ‘cuz that ass is lumpy (which is understandable generally). But the point of Spanx is generally to smooth that out not create lumps. And I hate to be graphic but her butt is just about the biggest thing about her and it's more "bubble"-shaped. So how do you explain that in this picture she’s got my butt- wide and flat? Pregnancy does lots of horrible things to you, I know. But I’m virtually certain changing the size and composition of your ass is not one of them.

Now I’m not speculating on why and for what purpose she’d be faking her pregnancy- ‘cuz as I said before it doesn’t make any sense. Protecting her figure, while understandable in theory seems laughably self-involved. She doesn't honestly seem that shallow. But whatever the reason, I’m starting to be in Wendy Williams' camp about whether or not she’s done it. I still teeter on the edge of believing she's actually pregnant though. And for that reason, my favorite new-ish theory that gives Miss Bey the benefit of the doubt is that maybe she is pregnant but she’s carrying so small that if she didn’t pad herself you wouldn’t be able to tell. So she pads herself to make the pregnancy into the media spectacle she and Jay-Z believe it should be?

I don’t know but the facts as they stand, just don’t ring true to me. I tried to dismiss the Australian interview thing- although that was d@mn compelling evidence but until she and Jay go to St. Tropez again and we get a legit baby-bump in a bikini or similarly skimpy bathing suit photo, I’m gonna have to call b*llsh!t on this.

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