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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

TV Funhouse

So I watched Hawthorne last night. Ugh! It was officially the beginning of the end for me. I was prepared to hold out like I did for Heroes for the sake of supporting Jada and Michael Vartan but if this is what they’re planning for the rest of the season…Good God! Someone save us from losing our brain cells on this show! I can only stand for so much retardation. And the Stackhouses on True Blood take up most of the space I have room for. Plus there’s the Heroes vs. True Blood difference of the writers writing the sh!t like it makes sense vs. the writers writing it knowing it’s retarded but acknowledging that the characters are mildly retarded. Bon Temps is inhabited by nitwits so the stupidity is to be expected. There is no excuse on Hawthorne. They’re supposed to be doctors and nurses and sh!t. There is just no justification. If you taped Hawthorne this week -erase it. 'Cuz I’m gonna tell you exactly what happened and save you the time and brain cell loss.

Let me start by saying, one of the guys that executive produces this show produced ER too so I can’t account logically for how far off the reservation this show is going. I read some of the message boards on Television Without Pity, which is admittedly more snarky and cold blooded than other message boards but they aren’t telling lies up in there. They say that the show is a poorly written vanity project for Jada Pinkett Smith. I agree with that statement, always have really but I thought that some place in their minds Jada and Will had aspirations for it to be better. I’m pretty sure now that that’s just not true. I don’t think that they give two sh!ts. They seem like they might even be changing the genre of the show- I kid you not. Follow along, here it goes:

So it is two- that’s right TWO days after a brutal attack left her hospitalized and her baby stillborn and Jada aka Christina is already up and at ‘em! Admittedly, she can barely walk and everybody is wondering why the hell she’s on her feet, but still she’s up and around and trying to tend to her duties as CNO. Oh, that’s right, William or whatever his name is on this show still hasn’t mentioned to her, Tom or basically anyone in the hospital besides Bobbie that he intends to not give her her job back. Which leads to her and her BFF Bobbie- who she thinks is the “Acting” CNO -but is in actuality the real CNO- into having a tug of war for authority in the case of this abandoned little girl who was almost in a diabetic coma when they found her. Justifiably so, Bobbie accuses Christina of seeing in the little girl possibly the baby she and Tom lost (although the little girl is like six). Bobbie wants to call social services since the girl won’t speak to give her name and no one had come forward to claim her. Christina wants her to fly under the radar, unknown to social services until she works her “Hawthorne Magic” (I’m thinking of trademarking that, incidentally) and everything magically resolves themselves. So that turns into a big kerfluffle during which they’re both giving commands and countermands to little nurse Kelly as she struggles to figure out who she should be listening to. (Ultimately, she chooses Christina of course because no one has told her why she would do otherwise).

Anyway, the little girl rallies and is later sitting up and drawing with her paper and crayons. She draws a picture of her family and signs it Angel Pie. Christina is alerted and comes to see her, telling her that used to be her nickname too. Suddenly the up until then mute little girl is like “I know. It's not my nickname. I have a message from my little friend who I met when I was going into the light. She told me not to go into the light but to come back (to earth presumably) and tell the little girl’s mommy and daddy not to be sad because she’s with the angels.” I KID YOU F@#$%^ING NOT! You think I'm joking that this just suddenly veered into Touched By an Angel/Highway to Heaven territory. I am not.

So Christina goes to Bobbie with this message of hope and salvation and Bobbie is now, understandably, concerned for Christina’s mental health. (At least the writers acknowledged that that would be the most likely result. Score one for us.) Bobbie, however, stupidly takes this to William who takes it to Tom who then together with half the freekin’ nursing staff (it looks like) decides to stage an intervention. For what exactly? Why?

So that goes down as the following Christina basically walks in, guesses really quickly what is going on, has a very tearful Emmy-baiting monologue (for Jada) about the betrayal of friends and family and then walks out. The psych person doesn’t ever say anything and neither does anyone else. Now I’ve never watched a real or the show Intervention in my life but I know they don’t occur in a circumstance where no one says anything and then allows the intervention-ee to just bounce. But okay.

Meanwhile, Christina’s daughter Camille has decided to set her sights on Derek Luke’s character. He smacks her down (figuratively, twice –‘cuz he’s older and married) but she clearly isn’t getting it or havin' it. And the writers are obviously positioning him for her as love interest – his marriage is falling apart and his wife and kids are in another city. (So, it begs the question: why laden his character with all this baggage if you’re just gonna put him with the daughter anyway?) However the best part of all that is that last week as we discovered he’s a religious man. Remember he prayed with her for Christina’s recovery? Well in this episode, she announces that she doesn’t know how to pray and she feels funny asking. Then after he shut her down for the second time in her tight pink t-shirt that he advised her to put a sweater over, he gets a distressing call from his wife which for a normal person would be a clue to go away and mind her own business right? Wrong! Instead she follows him and finds him crying and praying in a lounge by himself. So she pushes up on him again! This time asking him to teach her how to pray. Now I don’t know if this would be as eyeball rolling a scene for you as it was for me. But that was just the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen and it came off like a bad scene in the worst of the worst of the Tyler Perry joints. I can only think that this is some really cynical scheming from Jada’s writer's room. Like, now they have the "Latino" viewers with Marc Anthony, now they’re targeting the folks that watch House of Payne and Meet the Browns. That “teach me how to pray"- doe eyes: blink, blink- schtick was so irritating. Compounded by her reporting to her mother later that she had learned and her mom being so compelled by the story that she asked to be taught too. Arrgh!!!! It was aweful. And definitely not from a medical drama. That deserved to be on PAX back in the day after Father Dowling Mysteries or something. I grew up Christian so maybe that’s why it seemed just so dumb. I was taught that prayer was just a conversation with God. Not something that needed teaching. Anyway, it was just strange.

Other bonuses I skipped over:

• Marc Anthony aka Nick barely acknowledges Tom when he walks into any room. Like I just think that’s crazy disrespectful. And whereas initially I thought Tom’s beef was sort of funny and insecure- if I was Tom, this would be the point at which we would have to have words.

• Like I said Christina accuses Bobbie of stealing her job and when Bobbie tries to explain exactly what I said before about how she only accepted to keep someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t be removed from getting it, Christina goads her into firing her. Then Christina runs out all martyred.

• Bobbie is shamed by both her boyfriend and nurse Kelly for taking Christina’s job.

• Christina, on her way home, walks down a lonely corridor with no windows or doors (in a hospital?!?) and the florescent lighting does that flickering thing it does in horror movies that sends her running back into Nick (who was conveniently waiting in her office despite the fact that she’d presumably already gone home for the night)’s arms.

• Oh and by far the best one- so Tom goes and buys a gun illegally then proceeds to get into a bar fight. Of course he’s arrested and naturally Nick is the one who has to pick him up- because he was with Christina when she got the call. So Nick drops him at his car and returns his valuables to him…INCLUDING the gun! Nick tells him carrying a concealed weapon is illegal but then proceeds to return it to him without asking how he obtained it and how he managed to presumably circumvent a seven-day waiting period (since Christina was only attacked two days prior and why would he have wanted a gun before then?) Especially since Nick seems particularly devoted to guarding her body, I don’t know why he would allow Tom, a doctor with seemingly no experience with a deadly weapon to be walking the streets with a loaded gun. Does that seem like cop behavior- especially from a cop that wants your woman? I would have thought particularly then he’d have held Tom's feet to the fire for having that gun in his possession. But I’d be wrong. I'm sorry I think that’s a scene in the tv show I’m writing in my mind.

• And of course Christina and Tom are at odds again…so yet another season of them dancing around each other. What fun!

Oh, it was all really priceless. It was after eleven at night but there I was shouting at the tv like old times. It was like Heroes all over again. Save yourself!

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