Hotchoqlit aka me, has been contemplating the concept of self-actualization today. Last night, I was reading (or really just skimming) an interesting article on Clutch Magazine that warned that one cannot find love and true happiness without some semblance of self-actualization. If that's true, then I'm as cooked as overdone salmon. I am perhaps the least "actualized" person I know. Unlike my friends who either continue to strive for the goals of their youth or have come to terms with the realities of their current lives and made the necessary moves to mold it into something that they can truly live with, I am in stasis. Is that the word I'm looking for? I'm in a state of suspended animation. Nothing flowing in and nothing flowing out- maybe I meant stagnation? Unhappy with my life as it stands but completely unwilling(?) oblivious(?) unable(?) to find a satisfactory way out- a means to change, nothing ever does. To give you an idea of what I mean by that, let me just say, I could have written that exact same sentence eight or ten years ago (except maybe switch out the period for an exclamation point). Not a thing has changed. At the time I thought, "oh you're having one of those Quarter Life Crisis (crisises?) that everyone's talking about". Almost a decade later can that still be true? At this rate, I'm gonna run right into mid-life and never have had a "crisis"-free year!
Oh, but don't cry for me, Argentina. This is what happens every New Year's: the despair, the hand wringing, the self-flagellation, the grand malaise. And yet by the end of January, I'll have snapped out of it and then I'll spend the next eleven months somnambulating through until I run right smack into Old Man 2011 and again fall flat on Baby 2012. So what can I do this year that will stop the madness? I don't make resolutions generally- because I discovered young I don't like what a loser I feel like when I've already blown them all by March.
So I'm thinking… I can approach, tentatively, small changes, the ones that I can probably accomplish relatively easily and feel majorly satisfied. A new hairstyle- perhaps? A standing appointment at the nail salon? Freshen up my resume. Another ten pounds at Weigh Watchers? Wearing a little makeup (maybe just some liner and lipstick) everyday. Write something, anything on this blog at least twice a week. Login to my insurance website and find a new therapist. Downgrade my cable package? Upgrade from Silver to Gold on my Borders Reward card. Register to retake the GREs. Maybe. Let's not get too ambitious. Small things that I think would make next New Year's a little better. Okay, and one more that's a bit more tricky and formidable- dare to be a little more friendly on the dating websites (like, not view it as a rogue's gallery of losers, deviants and serial killers)- so basically jump into the aughts, a year late.
I think I can do that.
PS. Gabrielle Carteris (of old-90210 fame) is 50 years old today. I don't know how to synthesize that information. It doesn't make me feel old exactly, seeing as I was about 12 when it started but I don't feel young.